Koi (恋)

 Koi (恋) refers specifically to romantic love.

I think, like most other people in the world, love is the one thing that we can't explain.

However, I really really love how this term, is differentiated in different languages, especially in Japanese, where the word 'koi' is somehow similar to 'ai' but are used for different situation. It's very enriching; learning all these beautiful languages, that is.

How in Malay, it's called, 'sayang' or 'cinta'. Even if we don't say the latter much anymore nowadays. I have this conversation with my partner the other day, and we discuss these particular tweets and comes to a different acknowledgment on how one feels when one needs to use this different term in different languages to express feelings.

Some people are more comfortable expressing feelings in their native language, which is just how things are supposed to be, I think, as it is innate. But Malaysian nowadays, apparently doesn't express feelings much, in our native language, not to say that there isn't anyone who does that anymore, I just think that it's quite hard to hear it, or find anybody who says, out loud 'saya cinta awak'. Not necessarily a bad thing though, cause, from a linguist perspective; it doesn't really matter what language you speak of, as long as the message gets through.

But how do we get the message through?

How do you say you love someone and prove it?

I honestly don't know (even when I'm in a relationship already).

For some people. I guess, they will show how much they love someone, through different love languages. So we all know there are 5 love languages;

1. The act of service
2. Physical touch
3. Quality Time
4. Words of Affirmation
5. Gifts

Mine is quality time. I just love being able to spend time with the people that I love, even if we do nothing. And there's also just how some people are burning with love, I think some people just burn, (Bridgerton effect) for their loved ones. And I think, some people don't really burn, they ignite, a slow steady ignition, that never fades, just like the flames of the candle, on some windy days they can't ignite as bright as calm nights, but they will ignite nonetheless, to chase the darkness away. To brighten up homes. 

I know, the flames of a candle? Really? Isn't it very dim? Like how many candles should we ignite to make sure that the whole house is filled with light? I think for a normal, two-storey house in Malaysia, the least we need is probably five, no? Lol.

But honestly, I think, that I don't need five or fifty candles to lit up my whole house, cause one tiny mistake and the whole house will be covered in fire and heat, and smoke. One is enough, one steady flame, that lit me up but doesn't burn me down and that will accompany me through my darkest night, forever. (I know candle can't lit up forever, but just imagine it is a very very magical candle that doesn't melt hahaha).

Anyways, where was I? Oh right, one steady flame like a candle. I can't explain what is the meaning of love, or how to show you love someone, because that needs to be shown through the love languages (of your partner, not yours, lol). But if people ask me, how do I love, I think I am the flame of an eternity candle.

I probably can't wildly burn like a fireplace, but I will somehow, lit up, forever, with my utmost power, to brighten up the darkest nights. 

For the past 24 years of living, I've been finding the factors, for one to love someone else. What will be the factors? What would you really, search on somebody, so that you can lit up for them, for all of your life? And for the past 24 years, I couldn't find any factors at all. I don't know how people can fall in love, it made no sense whatsoever, some of my friends just like a guy they solemnly swear they don't like, and then some others, fall helplessly in love but still part away. I was bamboozled. It made no sense to me.

And I think it still doesn't. If people ask me, what I love the most about my partner now, I probably couldn't list a lot, because I don't how to explain it. I mean, usually, it will be the same reason as everybody else, he's handsome, he's shown effort, he's bla bla bla bla. I mean, the same obvious reason.

But there is one. That is definite to me, for why I love this person so much. The feeling of contentment. I am boyfriendless for all my life, until I met him because I have this mindset that if I get myself in a relationship, I am bound to get hurt, and that, is very foolish. Yes, that's what I thought about most other people as well (arrogant me, wow, good thing human can change huh?). I mean, why are you hurting yourself? (referring to someone letting themselves be in a relationship). It made no sense to me until I met my partner now. It wasn't love at first sight, to be honest, I was irked on my first sight at him hahaha, he was very very talkative and confident, and so a low self-esteemed girl like me, just couldn't handle it and get annoyed haha. 

It was mostly his effort, and his trust, and faith in me, that probably made me feel that, no one is a fool when it comes to love. The heart just wants what it wants, and it's never our fault. Years, of showing effort. (This one is a champ) I realized that I really really love this person, and it's not just about his effort, it's just the soul.  And after, careful contemplation and years of actually thinking very deeply on the whole love philosophy thingy (I know, I'm that extra). One day I just realized that I want to do this. That I like, love this person so much that I am allowing him to enter my life, and hurt me; that he is the wound that I choose (not that he is, not all, he's the sweetest soul). And no matter, if one day, we really really hurt each other, it will be okay. I will not regret choosing him or love. I mean, I will be horrified and sad, if it really happens, but I can never regret the love that I feel.

Love is not regrettable.

It is forever a joy. And only our actions can scar and hurt. Never love itself.

One day, I will read this again. And I hope, on that day, I am in peace with love. And even if I am hurt, I hope I'll read this again and realized that, it is never, and can never be a regret. 

And I pray, that this eternal candle will only stop igniting, on the day I die. 

永遠の愛 (Eien no Ai)

p/s: this is not a love letter, just opinion on love. And randomly updating my blog because it's getting rusty and dustyyyyyyyyy fgs faz, keep up lah!

p/s/s: I write love letter as well (but it will not be for the public eye, as it is not for the faint hearted :p)